The past doesn't exist until we create it in the present! This is one of my favourite sayings. The only time that the events of the past exist is when we recreate it by thinking about these events in present time. Otherwise how else do they survive? They aren't happening anymore!
But as logical as this seems, how often to do you find yourself rehashing your past over and over again, believing that you should have done something different or your life should have unfolded differently, or someone else should have behaved differently.
However going over and over these thoughts, only causes you stress because you are in conflict with the reality of how the past DID unfold.
In my book The Happy Mum Handbook you will learn that all stress is a conflict between belief and reality, meaning that what we believe and perceive about what is happening in our lives is in conflict with what is actually happening in our lives.
"I can't believe my child woke up early" is in conflict with the reality that they did wake early.
"I hate that I yelled at my child" is in conflict with the reality that you did yell at your child.
"[that person] should never have behaved this way" is in conflict with the way this person did behave.
What keeps you stuck in these memories of the past whether they be major (a traumatic experience) or minor (I shouldn't have watched Oprah instead of doing the housework), is how you view what has happened in your life.
The key to letting go of the events of your past is to change your view of what has happened by ceasing to see these events as hindering your life, and instead, seeing them as adding to your life. Every event that occurs in our lives teaches us something and holds value.
The skill to learn in order to become better at enjoying the highs and lows of life is to look at the events that occur in the bigger picture.
At the bottom of all stress lies the misconception that your life or your self-worth has lessened because of this event.
If your child wakes up early, you may feel like your free time has gone and therefore your quality of life has momentarily lessened in a small way; yelling at your child makes you feel like a bad mother; having someone behave in a certain way effects your life and makes you feel like your life has been altered negatively in some way.
However, the past is the past and cannot be changed. Should the event have happened this way? Possibly not. But the reality is that it did. Now you can keep rehashing this event over and over in your mind, participating in conversations about how it shouldn't have happened and how it is now effecting your life, or you can say to yourself, "Okay, this event has occurred. It's not the way that I had planned, but it is the way it currently is, so what am I going to do about it now? How can I now use the lessons from this event to propel me towards what I want?"
If your child has woken up early: Use this to learn more about the characteristics of your child's current sleeping patterns to help you to ascertain where they are at and learn how to help them to sleep longer. Research different ways of getting your child to sleep the way they need to. If sleeping isn't the issue, but getting enough time to do other things that you wanted to do is, then accept that your child hasn't slept and recreate a new plan of how you can achieve what you want to. How can you occupy your child while you get them done? Can you just do these tasks tomorrow? Do you really need to do these things at all? Can you organise a babysitter so that you get the time to complete what you really need to etc?
If you yelled at your child, use that event to reflect on what caused your anger and learn how to stop getting angry in the future. Seek out anger management techniques or find a way to handle the problem differently then you did.
If someone else behaved a certain way that has effected your life, then learn from that too. Find a way to communicate more effectively with difficult people. If you cannot communicate with this person, then find another way to get to where you want to go. Seek help where necessary to learn a different way to think about these events if it is a traumatic incident that occurred in the past that you can't get past.
Sometimes life throws us curveballs that sends our lives in unexpected directions. This doesn't mean you are failing at life, or that your life is worth any less, it simply means that it's time to be flexible, accept that life is different to your expectations and that it's time to learn some new lessons and adjust your ideas on how you are going to get to where you want to be.
We are all learning, growing and changing throughout our entire lives and we are always 100% worthy throughout these times. It is our beliefs that life has to go a certain way in order for it to be valuable that is the misconception that causes us stress.
Let go of your thoughts that tell you that life 'should' have been different and accept the life you currently have. Use what you have to learned, and grow and change in order to move towards the goal you originally wanted, or change it as you need to. Embrace this new and unwanted life that you have because it will lead you on a new adventure that will no doubt give you good times too. It all depends on how you look at these events.
As my dad always used to say, 'they only bury you in the end'. So how much of your life do you want to spend wrapped up in the events of yesterday when there is absolutely nothing you can do about them. You can do something about your future though. So start today teaching yourself how to get where you want to be using the lessons from the past and seeking out information that propels you to your desired future.
Jackie Hall - Author of The Happy Mum Handbook
