I'm starting to realise just how important it is speaking out about how I personally felt when my boys were just 6 months old and 22 months old.

My 'knife' incident (as seen in the Herald Sun and soon to be written about in next Wednesday's That's life magazine, issue 38) is really getting some attention and I'm told from a journalist, that it's because there is no one that is usually willing to talk about the real feelings that are going on within mums.

This was confirmed for me the other day when I went to the markets to sell my books and did not get one sale.  I was at a Babes, toddlers and maternity market, so my target audience was definately there, however I watched mother after mother look at my book and then quickly look away, as if to say - I don't need a book like that. (Problems?  What problems.  I don't have any problems with motherhood - sarcasm intended)

Then, as a mum came up and looked at the back of one of the books, I watched her friend laugh and say 'what do you need a book like that for'.  She laughed back and said, 'to learn how to be a happy mum', then quickly put the book down and took a business card instead.

From that point on, I simply started handing out cards with my website on it, hoping that mums wanting this kind of help would purchase it online instead, because it is becoming more and more obvious that the anonymousness of being able to buy something like this online without anyone knowing, is the appeal.

But my question is, why is this such a taboo subject to talk about?  Why is it so bad to get help when feeling challenged by motherhood.  If we wanted help with our tax, we would see an accountant.  If we wanted help with a legal matter, we would get help from a lawyer or a solicitor.  If we wanted to cook something different, we would seek a book with recipes in it, so why do we feel so embarrassed and stupid for seeking help about motherhood stress. 

Even the mum beside me who had a 10month old and a 3 year old told me of a friend of hers who told her that she liked talking to her because she was real and felt comfortable to talk about her real feelings, where the others at her mothers group would just talk about how wonderful their children were for reaching their milestones, like they were competing against each other.

I bet there isn't a mother alive that hasn't wanted to throttle their child at one point or another, or has felt like it's all too hard and wanted to just fall into a ball and cry (if she hasn't done so already).  but apparently this is not okay.  Apparently this somehow makes us weak, failures, possibly even 'bad mothers'.

WTF?  Excuse my french (even if it is abbreviated), but at what point did having emotions make us less of a person. 

We cannot continue to allow mums to sit inside their homes and go through the biggest transition of her life feeling worth-less because she is struggling to cope with the challenges of being a mum.

This is a time where we need to rally together and help one another to get an accurate sense of what's going on, and let's face it, we all feel better when we know that we are not going through a tough experience alone.

So next time you go to your mother's group or catch up with a friend, why not reach out to them and strike up a conversation about an experience where you have lost the plot, felt sad or incompetent and how you then changed your thinking to feel differently.

I'm not asking you all to sit around and complain about how hard it is, because that wouldn't get anyone anywhere, but what I am asking you to do is connect with other mums and be honest about how you really feel, so that you can source answers to your problems together.

If I have to tell everyone in the world how I loved motherhood one minute and hated it the next, broke down in tears, then lathered my child with cuddles and kisses because of guilt everytime I fell apart, then so be it.  If it makes another mother feel normal and learn that there is a way to change these feelings, and that these feelings don't mean anything about her abilities as a mum, then I have been successful in my mission.

It's time that we started to support one another and really help mums to realise that this is a tough job, but we can get through it by understanding emotions, learning how to change our thinking, supporting one another so that it's okay to feel challenged and emotional at times, and to approach these challenges with a solution focussed attitude, not one that feels stupid, worth-less and weak.

C'mon mums, let's pull together and be honest with each other about what we are really feeling.  We all know that things aren't always rosey, so let's start to pull down the facade.

When I was going through my lowest point after having my second son, my self-worth was in shambles.  The things I would say to myself I wouldn't say to my worst enemy (not that I have any enemies, but if I did, I wouldn't speak to him/her the way I spoke to myself). 

Although I have come a long way in changing that perception of myself and most of the time I do accept and love who I am and my journey through life so far, sometimes that habitual self-doubt sneaks back into my consciousness and causes me to feel like I'm not good enough or feel like what I've done is not good enough.

With the launch of my book yesterday, this was one of those times.  When this happens and I recognise it, because it is so ingrained, I often journal it.  First I journal how I feel (but don't spend too much time here) and then I spend some time journalling how I can look at things differently.

I thought that I would share parts of this journal with you in the hope of helping you to get an accurate sense of your self-worth too, especially when it comes to other people criticising or judging you.

First of all - the problem, the story I tell myself that is inaccurate and what actually makes me feel down (because it's not the criticism of others that makes you feel down, it's the conclusions you draw about yourself because of the criticism).

Problem - Criticism from others
How does this make me feel - Rejected, not good enough
What am I thinking to feel this way - People are going to think I'm not good enough and don't like what I'm saying.  People are going to think my work is stupid and not helpful when I've said it's going to help them.  I'm going to be negatively judged.  I won't be liked.  I should've been able to write a better book and I should've written it differently.  I'm an idiot (sieve brain is what sprang to mind - a term my father would use) and I'm not good enough to be anything special.
What must I believe in order to think this way - I need people to approve of me and to like me in order to be good enough or to make my opinions valuable.

Sadly this is the habitual story that occassionally goes on in my head that was formed from early childhood, and even though, these days, I'm quite detached from these thoughts, logically knowing that these statements aren't true, I still need to keep retraining my brain (something I often talk about in my book) to habitually think differently, because these thoughts don't serve me at all.

So this is about as much time that I spend on 'the story', because I don't need to rehash it over and over again.  My brain has been doing that for years.  Now it's time to upgrade this thinking in alignment with reality and true self-worth.  So here's what I have written.

"People judge people all of the time.  Every day we rate things based on our current beliefs.  I rate if the day is nice or dreary (depending on if it's sunny or not).  I rate if I like someone or not, based on how I perceive them.  Someone will always be judging me.  Whether they judge me as being great, being an idiot, or being neither good or bad, they will rate me based on their beliefs, their past experiences, and what resonates or doesn't resonate with them. 

Their opinions do not reflect my self worth.  They are simply indicators of their beliefs, not actual truths.  Sometimes I won't be liked and sometimes I will.  Whenever I receive criticism (and it is inevitable) this is another opportunity for me to remind myself that their opinions don't define who I am.  In everything that I do, I am learning about life.  Whatever I was doing that caused the criticism, I was learning something valuable from the experience.  My life learning is that I'm not always going to get approval from others by being who I am and that I am okay just the way I am, regardless of their opinion.

I am always just doing the best that I can and I am always helping people to the best of my ability.  Whatever I do or say, I am always influencing and adding to someone else's life, as they are to mine.  What I say or do may be challenging to someone else because they aren't ready to hear what I've got to say.  Their interaction with me will contribute to their journey - that's it.  Even though my words might be helpful, they are only contributors to change.  I don't change anyone.  They change themselves because they have reached a point when they are ready for change to occur.  If the information I give is unable to help someone, then I have still contributed to their development just by being alive.  Learning about life from others and contributing to others' lives is what defines self-worth.

I will never know the true effect I have on others' lives and there is every possibility that someone will benefit from what I do, even though they are outwardly critical.  Sometimes people's criticisms are indicators of their fears and own lack of self-worth.  Other people's comments do not mean I am worth less in anyway, they simply reflect that person's beliefs, which quite possibly could be saying a lot about how they feel about themselves.  I don't have to know whether someone thinks I'm good or not to be valuable.

Some of the greatest minds in history were confronted with criticism and rejection.  I believe in myself.  Talk to that one mother you do help.  Keep searching for the mums who want to hear what I've got to say and can benefit from this information.  Believe that this information will help that person change their perspective on how they view the challenges in their life, how they feel about themselves and what effect this will have on their children.

Finally, remember the bigger picture - an education on reality and true self-worth changes mums.  A changed mum changes the life of her child.  That child who grows up to feel worthy, influences change in society, ends crime and unites communities.  United communities = a peaceful world!
It's not about me and how I'm being judged!

Here is a little clip I'd like to share about criticism, rejection and succeeding anyway regardless of the opinions of others.

Believe in yourself anyway - even if others don't!